Advice

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” Mark Twain

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; … nobility is being superior to your former self.” Hemingway



Jim Harrison has written a wonderful poem with this title. You can read it here. It is much better than what follows.

Let me also say that I am getting right friggin tired of writing about my health, and I bet you are too. I’m going to write about other stuff soon. It’s just that I find myself thinking about folks who are in the same overloaded boat with me: low in the freeboard and in danger of drowning. What follows comes from a desire to be helpful. At least it’s not too long, and it’s heartfelt.

This morning I am 74 pounds lighter than I was the week before Christmas, and am settled into a pattern of weight loss that averages between two and five pounds a week. This hardly entitles me to preach. Every hour, every day, every week is a battle that I may easily lose. I have a long, long war ahead of me against an immortal and implacable enemy who might overcome me in the end. Still, it is good to be healthy and alive. Like the bright cardinal now perched above my bird feeder, I feel I have something to say.

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I work in a big bureaucracy, in a gigantic cubicle farm full of all kinds of people. One of them is an infamous gossip and busybody that most of my co-workers will do almost anything to avoid. A week or so ago, she stopped me in the hallway on my way to the lavatory.

“You’ve lost some weight!”

“Yes, I have.”

“What’s your secret?”

I thought to myself “What have I got to lose?” I wish that I was a better person.

“Well, first you must enter the hospital near death, and remain unconscious and close to expiring for two days. When you come to, you must have a large diameter hose of some sort rammed a good long way into every orifice in your body. You must also have two IV’s. Many of your family members and friends should be hovering over you, and it helps if they are reduced to tears. That should get you off to a pretty good start!”

She turned as white as a sheet, and I ducked into the men’s room and made my escape.

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If anyone tries to tell you that following this or that diet will have the pounds sliding off you without hunger or inconvenience, they are lying. If they are prescribing colonics, purges, fasts, exotic exercise regimens, magical garments, drugs and concoctions, and so on, they are selling you snake oil. If you are offered recipes for dishes that resemble a bale of hay, a chunk of plastic, or a length of board, don’t try them.

Here’s how it is. You must consume a very limited number of calories derived as much as possible from fresh and unprocessed sources. Most people need something like 2000 to 2500 calories a day to maintain a steady weight. I’m eating something like 1500 to 1300 calories a day right now. You must also engage in an hour or so of some kind of aerobic exercise very regularly.

You will be hungry a lot. That growling in your belly is your body burning stored energy in the form of fat. Those pangs are your friend. You will be sore from the unaccustomed exercise. That pain is your metabolism gearing up and repairing the minor damage you have done to your musculature, and in the process, burning more of that stored fuel. The entire process is challenging and difficult, but it works.

If you eat healthy food and not too much of it, and you exercise most days, and you do it for months, your weight will gradually decrease and you will become healthy. After you achieve your goal, if you continue to monitor what you eat, don’t eat junk, continue exercising, and regularly monitor your weight and health, you will remain healthy. You must do that, without relenting, until your last day. It never ends, but you will leave this world happier.

To pull this off, you’re gonna need to be motivated. That’s really the secret.

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Terror will only carry you so far, at most a couple-three weeks. What will sustain you is love. Your love for the people in your life who care for you will carry you. You must be honest with them, respect them, and not let them down. If there are no such people in your life, go find some. There are support groups and organizations filled with folks who have stood in your shoes and know your pain. Only the bonds of affection can save you.

I know you’re out there. I can feel your sorrow, your struggle, your courage. I extend my arms to hug you all tight. Whatever your demons, you can overcome them and send them back into the darkness. Please try. You are needed. The world would not be the same without you. 

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